ARTICLES

There are plenty of awful sex toys out there and usually they are fairly easy to spot, however unfortunately due to many less than honorable reviewers there can be a lot of confusion as well. I wanted to show off some examples to help combat the issue.

I see it way too often and it is one reason why I started this site. There are way too many "review" blogs out there that just accept any junk sent to them and act like the item is the next best thing. If you want to give honest reviews you have to be prepared to give crappy toys appropriate reviews instead of worrying about owing the sender because they sent something for free. Another big issue is virtue signaling. Just because a toy was made by a certain group or was trying to be inclusive doesn't mean it is good or even a good idea. It is just sad to see the reviewer bias when the majority of the review is on how it didn't work for them, then suddenly in the conclusion, BEST TOY EVER, because hey the manufacturer meant well I guess.

Let's jump into some solid examples so you can better see what I am talking about :)

Crave Vesper

Starting off strong, the Crave Vesper is a meme level example of "who the shit asked for this?!" Times I've heard any women say they wanted to wear their vibrator like jewelry = 0. Like is this for some special slut survivalist situation where they have no purse to put their favorite vibrator in, but totally plan on banging out a cum at work? How is this better than vibrating panties or any similar product? The conflict between discreet and functionality is a total mess on this whole product concept. Fundamentally it is not big enough to give great vibration as a vibrator, while it also fails as reasonable jewelry being not particularly eye catching along with being a bit clunky when it comes to jewelry sizing. There are so many unfortunate articles acting like this is some great women's sexual freedom tool inferring all the hip ladies are sporting one, despite everyone I've ever shown it to thinks it is ridiculous. For a solid bias example Dangerous Lilly went down the long list of problems and then declared "I don’t hate it" Review: Crave Vesper. She has wrecked several other products for much less, but then ends up saying things like "At least the orgasms from the Vesper are not painful". For some bonus Vesper comedy check out: Woman gets vibrator stuck in bladder in sex romp gone wrong 

The Lioness Vibrator

  

The main selling point of this vibrator, which appears to be documenting orgasms with charts and graphs, is so counter productive I constantly question if the Lioness company is actually female led as they describe. The main construction is a modern rabbit vibrator design with the twist of "lets you visualize your arousal and orgasms". How does it do this you might say, well after looking way harder than I should have to, apparently it looks very specifically for pelvic floor contractions with sensors on the side of the vibrator. The original positive design intent appears to allow women with difficulty reaching orgasm to learn more about their orgasms to then reach them easier. This is all well and good and all, but problem is the data is near worthless. Pelvic contractions may help show what type of orgasm a lady had, but it won't say much about quality and definitely no hints on how orgasm was achieved at all. Further counter to this concept, every woman I know with some level of orgasm difficulty is totally stressed out just thinking about this concept. Either stressing out the whole time thinking about performing, or looking at past data trying to recreate it, or even with partner help, are they gonna be eyeballing the data stream and just shake their head based on expectations? A good chunk of the orgasm battle is getting the concern out of one's head and the Lioness concept does nothing but cause concern. You are literally better off just having an app to write down basic sex notes.

Once again there is article after article acting like the Lioness Vibrator is a great women empowering device with very few stopping to ask, how will this data feature actually help anything? My frustration is this is aimed at women in need yet is going about it in a way almost guaranteed to fail. The founder somehow was allowed to do a Ted talk on their flawed strategy and I'm just wanting to pull my hair out watching the whole time. I was able to at least find one review that was bold enough to declare the reality of the situation: I Tried This 'Smart' Vibrator for Two Weeks and Became an Orgasm Scientist. For a more reasonable example of using this technology the Minna kGoal is designed to help perform and track Kegel exercising. 

Picobong Transformer

  

This one I feel like the manufacturers are almost trolling everyone. When you first see it in pictures one might think, oh that's kinda cute and multi-functional, but then when you see next to a person, it is revealed how hilariously bulky it is. The main literature and top reviews go on and on about how gender neutral and adaptable the Transformer is, however real reviews highlight the truth that the Transformer isn't good for much of anything. It is basically 2 half-assed louder than they need to be vibrators connected for reasons unknown. For $130 you'd think you could get some sort of remote or phone control, nope you ask for too much my friend! If you want to use both ends you are gonna have to plop one side out of someone's asshole first so you can get to the control buttons. Shaping into place is awkward and even if you had a good position idea, the heads don't keep their angle very well at all. I mean just look at those demo pics, it might as well just be text that says don't worry about that loop or how anything lays, it will be awesome! We can always count on SluttyGirlProblems for worthless reviews: PicoBong Transformer Review , the summary being: it didn't really work well for me, 4 stars gurl, recommend++! Fortunately Passion by Kait gave a more reasonable breakdown of pros and cons: Picobong Transformer - a sex toy review. That said she was still way nicer than Picobong deserves in my opinion for the laughably bad design. Pretty much every "creative" use for this toy you would just be better off with 2 separate toys.

Doxy Skittle (The Don)

 

For starters the intent on the Skittle is a little unclear between being anal specific sometimes and super gender neutral the other. Basically, we just made a vibrating thing, surprise us on how you use it! Apparently at some point the name was changed from Skittle to The Don for whatever reason. The build concept is additionally odd since Doxy is known for some solid wand designs. The Skittle on the other hand is oddly shaped, has a button control box separated in quite a bulky fashion, and is a plug in the wall design so it isn't going to be a waterproof toy kind of party. Almost every review goes something along the lines of: oh this is such a great idea, I couldn't cum with it and like my wands better, but oh man, such a great product.... Dangerous Lilly doesn't disappoint once again with the virtue signaling: Doxy Skittle Review. I'm not sure how you can go from can't cum with to "All in all, I think the Doxy Skittle a fucking wonderful vibrator with sensations you don’t often find". So once again we find a design that tried so hard to not be anything specific, that it isn't good at anything in particular. Core design wise I really don't see how the Skittle would ever do anything better than a good wand with attachments to begin with. Wands and attachments have been squeezing out gender neutral cums way before any of this crap. 

50 Shades of Grey Brand

 

For some this will be a no-brainier, but I think worth mentioning for those new to BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey may have sparked some public interest into BDSM, yet it does so in quite irresponsible ways. Fundamentally the book is awfully written. I do not consider myself anything close to a word smith and even I can see it is high school level or less writing. The story itself is more about 2 awful characters pretending to attempt BDSM while ending up just being in an abusive relationship instead. Additionally as the books go on, they phase out of BDSM material all together like it was just some phase for the characters to overcome. Thus anything with the 50 Shades of Grey seal of approval is near meaningless as the author does not respect and sure as shit does not practice BDSM. The end result is bottom barrel imported cheapo BDSM gear where they are essentially setting up BDSM newcomers to have awkward gear failure experiences. Almost every place that bothers to review this brand will give glowing reviews and thus you can count on their word being worthless.

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